Well meaning, loving Saboteurs...

Still have to do Fire 45 E-Z tonight, but I am looking forward to it.

I love my husband, adore him more than is reasonable much of the time. He is thoughtful, appreciative, and even occasionally romantic - I mean he is a guy, so I figure occasionally is pretty good... However, he is a diet saboteur. A thoughtful one, but a saboteur none the less. I can resist junk food that is not in the house. For the most part I can resist much of the junk that is IN the house. I cannot resist my favorites when they are brought to me with love. He brought me hostess cupcakes this afternoon. I have major chocolate needs on a daily basis any way and this undid me. I did not ask for it, I didn't even really think of it (except in passing) but I scarfed down those cakes like a starving woman.

This is part of my process, and certainly something I need to learn. How do I look at cake and not eat so much of it that I make myself sick? How do I politely take, and then never eat - favorite foods brought lovingly to me? In large part I am doing better with food, but it is a constant struggle. I stop nearly every day for a piece of chocolate after school. I am ashamed when I do it, I eat it compulsively with no joy and more guilt than I care to admit. And I still do it everyday. I need to find a way to live without sweet. Not sweets, but sweet in general. I love honey and raw sugar and maple syrup and sweetened coffee with splenda... but I think this is all bad for me.  I need to find a way to limit or cut out completely my need for a sweet fix during the day. But where do I start?

2 weeks down, 18 to go!

18 more weeks of my Turbo Fire schedule. I am proud to be 2 weeks in, but when I think about the 18 weeks I have left it is with excitement, not angst at how much more is left. I am dedicated and making a commitment to my health and my life and my family.

Tonight was the first one where I had some dread getting to my workout. It's late, I would much rather be in bed or just sitting being lazy watching TV. at about 9:15 I started the DVD and almost as soon as the warm up started the moose started crying upstairs. Changed his diaper, brought downstairs, got him some Motrin, snuggled on the couch and kissed his moosey head. Shortly thereafter the monkey started crying too (sick boys, what are you going to do?) one of the kittens snuck into the room  and was trying to cuddle with him. He would be fine with that except they always want to sleep on his head. I put the moose back in bed, grabbed the kitten and tossed him back out of the room and came back downstairs. I had even less desire to do my workout at that point. But giving myself the excuse not to workout at that point is one of the many things that led me here. So I restarted the DVD (from the beginning) and restarted my workout, promising myself I could stop after about 20 minutes.

45 minutes later the workout finished, and I did the whole thing. Now I am debating a little popcorn and a piece of cheese or some celery and peanut butter while I wait to set my yogurt and go to bed.

Turbo Fire day 13

Fire 55 EZ this morning - I only made it through half. Starting the longer Turbo Fire workouts on an empty stomach before getting water or coffee or any food just does not agree with me. I will have to finish the workout after we get home from Harlowe's party tonight. I am still totally loving it though, and I look forward to doing it at the end of the day. I even feel stronger and fitter already!

Turbo Fire Day 8

Turbo Fire kicked my butt this morning. I could only make it through 20 minutes of Fire 45 and I am still sweating and exhausted. I really need to start getting to bed earlier and not hitting snooze when I my alarm goes off. I need at least 6.5-7 hours of sleep to feel human when I get up and I did not get it last night, I barely got 6. I should be able to go to bed by 8:30 tonight.

So my goals for today:

1. Eat clean
2. eat breakfast
3. make soup
4. make it to my doctor's appointment on time
5. get to bed by 8:30

Turbo Fire Day 7!

Okay - so I know I said yesterday was day five, but that was because my math sucks. TurboFire day 7 done! I did Fire55 EZ today and it was in no way E-Z! That was intense, I lost steam about 1/2 way through, but I pressed on to finish the whole thing at the intensity that I could manage. And Jack-Jack cooperated and stayed down for his nap for the whole workout (going up to get him now) and Jonas didn't beg to be picked up until 10 minutes from the end, so I was able to say "wait" and snuggle him happily at the end.

Now I have got to come up with some good lunch options for all of us. I am thinking a nice frittata packed with veggies - and some toast, because Jack-Jack is now addicted to toast!

Dinner will be a veggie packed baked ziti in the crockpot, thanks to Stephanie O'Dea. I will also be starting some yogurt in the other crock, and my multi-grain brown bread (King Arthur Flour rocks!) and I think some tortillas, and maybe prepping tortilla soup for tomorrow.

Turbo Fire Day 5

I almost did not work out today. I convinced myself when I slept in this morning that I was going to workout later. After folding/putting away laundry and listening to Jacques` trying to get the furnace fixed all day I was not even close to motivated to workout. I'm sore from my workout yesterday, I've worked out 4 days this week already... pretty good start. BUT at about 9:30 this evening I heard myself telling Jacques` he could go to bed early - I was going to stay up for a while and wanted to use his TV to do my workout on. I had committed myself. I had said out loud that I still needed to workout and there was no backing down. The stiffness, the soreness, the fact that I am tired and just wanted to snuggle under my electric blanket, but NO now I had to get on some workout clothes and get off my butt and do some work.

And work I did! Fire 30 - 3rd time this week, but that still does not make it an easy workout. I am still learning the moves, but by the end I know I got a great workout in. And I am proud of my self that I did it in spite of myself! Now if I could get this desire for chocolate to go away I would be good. :)

Off the wagon

I fell hard off the wagon in December and the beginning of the year. I am back now and planning on completing TurboFire (just started) and going back to eating clean. It certainly helps that I talked to my doctor and got the meds I needed... I feel happy and positive and ready to go. I am excited and full of energy and actual look forward to life and work and everything ;) and it has been a LONG time since I felt that way. It's not until you can get out of a depressive cycle that you realize exactly how depressed and unhappy you have been and for how long.