Teddy Bear Love

My 3 yr old has a teddy bear - "Bear" - that he has had his whole life. It was a gift from a coworker to me shortly before he was born. Bear came to the hospital and rode home with the Monkey in the car seat. It is a tan colored bear that once upon a time played music, nature sounds, and a heart beat. As my mother and I drove across country with my 2 week old Monkey in the back seat (My husband and I were moving) Bear was propped on the Monkey's feet, with in easy reach to turn on the heart and soothe a crying infant.

Bear slept in the bassinet and in the crib. Early on the Monkey learned that if he hugged Bear, Bear made music. The Monkey loves music. At odd times throughout the night Bear's music could be heard through the baby monitor - most often when the Monkey woke up and needed help to get back to sleep.

The Monkey's love for Bear has not diminished as he has gotten older. No other flashy stuffed animals have manged to take Bear's place. Bear is not shared - and he is the only toy the Monkey will not let his little brother hold. Bear's music died last summer thanks to a trip into the pool. The Monkey thought Bear would like to go swimming with him. Bear's once robust and cuddly figure is noticeably flat and limp due to a tear in his back that leaked fuzz into the washing machine... Bear has seen better days, but the Monkey does not care. His love is constant.

Seeing the perfect love my child has for his frayed and beaten teddy made me think - why can't we have that kind of love for ourselves? Why is it so hard for me to love myself, to love my body despite all of its flaws. Why can't I love my body for the things it has done well, done without complaint, and often done in spite of the abuse I have given it.

My body faithfully carried, protected and housed the monkey for 41 weeks (he has always been stubborn). It fed him for 7 months after he was born. My body healed itself from the loss of the baby it could not keep. It quickly nurtured and grew my little Moose baby shortly there after. My body can rejoice in a kiss or hug from my children or a caress from my husband. My body carried me on shaky legs done the aisle and stood proudly as I married my husband.

My body has taken me skiing, horseback riding, running, and walking. My body used to be able to do cartwheels (and will again someday). It can play volleyball, and softball. It can take a spinning class, or Zumba, or Kickboxing. It can lift weights - heavy weights. My body has healed quickly from injuries and illness. It has provided the strength my heart required to do ever more - more than I thought it possibly could.

I love my body! I love the strength in my muscles. I love the delicacy of my hands. I love my height. I love my eyes. I love my hair - even the grey. I love my breasts, and the gently curved hourglass of my shape.

And I love my stretch marks. I love my c-section scar. I love the scars on my arms and my legs that are the badges of honor, the chronicle of my life. I love my thick waist and my big thighs and my flabby bottom. I even love my flappy "grandma" arms. I love my imperfections They are proof that my body is strong, that my body has been there for me, supported me, and loved me without questions since the moment we were born. My body has loved me even when I have treated it badly. When I have fueled it with junk. When I have not given it the movement it craves, or the sleep it needs.

My body has loved me the way my 3 yr old loves his bear. And I promise that from now on I will love it the same way.

BodyrockTv - Tabata Training

No I am not quitting TurboFire or ChaLEAN Extreme, but I am adding in something new to keep things interesting. Someimes I just cannot do a hour long workout. I cannot even break it up into two sessions. I would rather train super super hard for 20-30 minutes than train hard for 60 minutes. And I would always rather lift weights than do cardio. THat said I know I need all of these things in my life, so...

Check out this link BodyRockTV and the super hot Zuzana (I am so energy depleted from my workout I can't even type right now!) All her workouts are done at home, many without equipment, most bodyweight exercises and this is ALL SHE DOES! Did you see those abs! I want her body - and if this is what she does to get it, I can do it too! So I am adding some of these workouts - maybe not the full ones just yet - to my morning routine. Nothing better to get the heart pumping first thing in the morning.

Push Challenge Day 5 - Accountability

This is the scariest day for me so far. My homework for today was to announce my push goals to the world - and to promise the people that mean the most to me that I will accomplish those goals in the next 12 months. It was hard. I can tell "strangers" what I want to do and what I need far easier than the people I care about most. I don't want to disappoint those people, I live in fear (really I do) of being a disappointment or an embarrassment to the people I really care about. I would almost rather not do anything at all - heck I would totally rather not do anything at all - than to disappoint those people.

So my Push goals for the next 12 months are to:

1. get a teaching job - getting a job teaching will let me support my family financially, will make the last 3 years worth everything we have sacrificed to get here. And I will finally be doing what I know I was meant to do.
2. lose 115lbs (112.2 as of this morning) and be in the next Turbo Fire infomercial.

It is easy to admit those goals in public, but it is hard to really think about them. They scare me. They make me cry, they make me want to eat. They make me want to go do another workout right now.

So I am going to make a healthy clean lunch, go into town to pick up meds (sinus infection, finally getting antibiotics) come home and make a clean dinner, do my second workout, and study for my certification exams so that I can get my certification and be one step closer to accomplishing my goals. 

Shopping sucks

Nothing like a trip to the mall to make one feel awful. I went shopping with my daddy today. He wanted to get me 2 nice interview suits and shoes and what not so I felt confident and looked good going to my interviews/TRD next week. Unfortunately it did not start out as a good trip.


If I needed a reason to keep up with working out and eating right today was it! I could not find really anything I liked. Only shopping at 1 store (Lane Bryant is the only place that carries talls and I am 6') is certainly limited and when they don't have anything professional enough I am in trouble. I ended up with a nice jacket, a shirt, and a sort of 40's style (my favorite fashion era) shirt dress that makes me feel confident and sexy. But I still wanted to cry in the dressing room because there was just nothing and I felt fat and frumpy and awful. It certainly helped me to make better choices for dinner tonight! I have some Mary Jane pumps (look sort of like character shoes) on order and zinging my way and a whole set up of really good bare minerals make up in my possession so the day was certainly not a waste, but it was hard to not just curl up and cry.


I also did my Day 3 life coaching homework today and have written down some of my top ten goals for the next 12 months. A couple I will share today:

1. lose 115lbs
2. compete in a figure competition
3. get a teaching job

My push goal (the goal that makes the others possible is get a teaching job. I really want to do well at my interviews, and I think my new suit/make up/shoes will help me feel confident and smart as I interview. I am hopeful.

Pink toes make me happy

It has been a long time since I have had a pedicure. I've only gone once since we moved back from Vegas, but I think I have to start giving myself my own pedicures. I was listing all of the things that make me happy and one of the top things is pink toes. Pink toes make me smile, and feel sexy and confident. I have my very favorite pink polish colors in the bathroom right now and I never paint my nails or my toes. That needs to stop. Pink toes make me happy and I deserve to be happy.

Chalene Johnson will help me change my life

So I signed up for Chalene Johnson's life coaching 30 day push series. I love Chalene and find her incredibly motivating overall. I am hopeful that the program will help me accomplish my goals - and even define what my goals actually are so I can set up a map/system/plan to figure out what I want out of life and how to achieve it. The program started today. My first assignment is to think about my goals. How do I want people to remember me, to think about me. What do I want to be, what is most important to me? I want to be a great teacher. I want to be an inspiration for health for others. I want to make my husband and children proud.

I need to prioritize what needs to be done and make a schedule and stick to it. If I can get a schedule working I know I can accomplish my goals.