Why are you fat?

"Beck, why are you fat?" This was asked of me today by the 4 year old son of my neighbor. Why are you fat.
Why am I fat? I could blame genetics - both of my parents are overweight. I could blame circumstance - I am broke and it really is harder to buy healthy foods to feed a family on our strictly limited budget. This little boy is only a year older than Jonas, and I don't want Jonas to think of me as the fat mommy. I don't want to be the fat mommy. I don't want Jonas teased for having the fat mommy like I was when I was little. I want to be fit. I want to be the cool mommy, the fun mommy, the hot mommy.

I told this little boy that I was fat because I eat too much. And I do. And I don't move enough, and I don't eat quality food. And a host of other things that really just boil down to excuses. But I will not be the fat mommy forever. I am working, and changing, and committed. I have running shoes,

and a plan :)

Right now I may be the fat mommy, but this fat mommy can run. And soon I will be the fit mommy.

Me, the "naked" truth

I have a vivid memory of being the 2nd heaviest kid in my third grade class. I weighed 91lbs in third grade - there was one girl who was a little bigger than me at 108. Still, I was big for a third grader. I have equal vivid and more painful memories of not being able to fit into any of the little league softball uniforms. I was so big my mom had to go out and buy my pants for softball at a sporting goods store in the adult section.

I never wore "junior" sizes. I went right from kids to "womens" sizes. I had hips early. I had boobs early too, but nursing two kids so close together kind of destroyed the girls. They don't have the "get up and go" they once did. I don't think I could get free drinks with them anymore either.

I played softball. I played volleyball. I rode horses. I sang, I danced, I did theater. And I was always the fat girl. I have never been skinny. I have never been fit. Only once since I was 14 have I weighed under 200 pounds, and that was due to a 3 month bout of pneumonia.

I made foolish choices because I felt like I was too fat to be loved. I did dangerous things with questionable people because I didn't think I deserved better. I ate my feelings. I still do.

I hid food, I hide food, I eat in secret. I like being alone when I eat, I do not like eating in front of people when I am really hungry. I always feel like I don't deserve to eat. The most embarrassing part of my car accident this summer was I was eating a late lunch in the car when I was hit, and I wore it for the next 9 hours. It burned me - literally and figuratively. The food and the airbag were so hot I had burns, and I burned with shame wearing the lunch I felt that I shouldn't be eating.

I hate being the fat mommy. I envy the women who did not gain weight during their pregnancy. The ones who did not get dirty looks from their doctors for gaining 5-10lbs at every appointment.

So nearly a year after starting this blog, this is where I am. Here I am, naked, exposed, letting it all hang out.

This is who I am. I am not who I want to be yet. But I think I am close to finding her.

Sometimes plans change

So I should have graduated this past spring with a degree in Adolescent Social Studies and Special Education. That did not exactly happen. I had hoped to be able to test out of subjects or take them in summer school. That did not happen the way I wanted either. I still need a couple courses to finish my degree, and there are no jobs out there for teachers right now. I mean really, like no jobs - a lot of the school districts within a 1.5hr drive from me have actually cut positions and laid off teachers.

Given this dilemma what did I decide to do? More School! I am going to add to my certifications and get a childhood education and Students with Disabilities 1-6 added to my certifications. It will only require one more semesters worth of classes. I might even add an adolescent English with classes next semester. At that point I could basically walk into a school and say, okay, I can teach kids from grades 1-12 in Special Ed, Social Studies, ELA or general classroom. Whatdaya got? :)

This does put another year of stress on my family that I didn't want, but I think that it will work out for the best in the end. And really, if I could get in a 6th or 5th grade classroom I could teach all the subjects I like!

The other newer development lately in my half marathon training has been the addition of a partner! My neighbor has been working out with my for the last few days - and we are doing some cross training this afternoon that I am excited about.

Sometimes plans change, but change can be good.

Focusing on perfection

I said earlier I read a lot of fitness and healthy living blogs. They help to keep me motivated and ready to go. I am also a member of quite a few different healthy living/eating message boards. I have noticed a running theme lately with posts from my online friends. So many people are focused on the number on the scale, and on eating perfectly. Eating to plan, staying in their calorie range, making sure they have the right calorie deficit... It makes me sad. It actually hurts my heart when I read about how they feel like failures because they work so hard and the weight isn't coming off. They have been perfect with eating and workouts and nothing is moving. I feel for them.

I can empathize, I have been stuck in the same 5lb range on the scale for a few months. I know I have not been perfect, have not done many of the things I should have to move out of that range. I have not lost the 100lbs I have dreamed of losing this year - and I certainly won't lose it in the next few months. I would be extremely happy to end the year 20lbs lighter, I would be happy to be 10lbs lighter, and I would even be okay with not being any lighter, but having increased my fitness, and my ability to run for a longer distance. I would be happy to find a lifestyle way of eating that works for me, that keeps me happy and satisfied and not running for the candy store or chips every time I get a craving. I would be happy just to have enough money to sign up for and run my half marathon in October - and to actually run more than just a few feet of it!

To my friends (and readers - though I consider you all friends too) that are striving for perfection, please give yourselves a break! I love you, and I want you to love you in the same way. I want you to be happy, I want you to realize that all the work, the consistency, the effort you have put in on your health and fitness will pay off, has paid off, is paying off. And some of you, I want you eat more. Trust me, eat a little bit more and I would bet money you see some results - you know who you are :)

Do you strive to be perfect? Is your quest for perfection actually hurting your goals? What do you think?

Writers Block

I have been having some trouble writing lately. I read a lot of health and fitness blogs, and some of these writers are amazing. They make me feel like I can get up and go and run a marathon and eat healthy and lose weight... and right now I don't feel like I can write like that. I have a bunch of post ideas winging through my brain, and little notes on them so I don't forget what I want to write about, but I don't feel inspiring enough to write some of them. I gotta find my mojo.

Honesty

I need to be honest with myself. I am eating too much, I am not eating enough clean foods, and I am not exercising enough.

The reason I am not achieving the fitness I deserve right now is all because of me. Yesterday instead of going for my run I ran an errand with my neighbor. It was nice to have girl time, but that hour and a half cost me my run. I have stayed up to late doing homework or just playing on the internet to get up early and run. I have put off exercising until it is so late I am too tired to think about running.

If I am honest with myself I am procrastinating and not doing the things I need to do. I have to make it a priority to get healthy. Being healthy and fit needs to be more important to me than anything else or it is not going to happen.

I need to make me important.