Me, the "naked" truth

I have a vivid memory of being the 2nd heaviest kid in my third grade class. I weighed 91lbs in third grade - there was one girl who was a little bigger than me at 108. Still, I was big for a third grader. I have equal vivid and more painful memories of not being able to fit into any of the little league softball uniforms. I was so big my mom had to go out and buy my pants for softball at a sporting goods store in the adult section.

I never wore "junior" sizes. I went right from kids to "womens" sizes. I had hips early. I had boobs early too, but nursing two kids so close together kind of destroyed the girls. They don't have the "get up and go" they once did. I don't think I could get free drinks with them anymore either.

I played softball. I played volleyball. I rode horses. I sang, I danced, I did theater. And I was always the fat girl. I have never been skinny. I have never been fit. Only once since I was 14 have I weighed under 200 pounds, and that was due to a 3 month bout of pneumonia.

I made foolish choices because I felt like I was too fat to be loved. I did dangerous things with questionable people because I didn't think I deserved better. I ate my feelings. I still do.

I hid food, I hide food, I eat in secret. I like being alone when I eat, I do not like eating in front of people when I am really hungry. I always feel like I don't deserve to eat. The most embarrassing part of my car accident this summer was I was eating a late lunch in the car when I was hit, and I wore it for the next 9 hours. It burned me - literally and figuratively. The food and the airbag were so hot I had burns, and I burned with shame wearing the lunch I felt that I shouldn't be eating.

I hate being the fat mommy. I envy the women who did not gain weight during their pregnancy. The ones who did not get dirty looks from their doctors for gaining 5-10lbs at every appointment.

So nearly a year after starting this blog, this is where I am. Here I am, naked, exposed, letting it all hang out.

This is who I am. I am not who I want to be yet. But I think I am close to finding her.