If hunger is not the problem...

On the Sparkpeople website on a message board today I saw this quote in someone's signature "If hunger isn't the problem then food is not the answer". How often do I use food to solve my problems? Or no food? I use having to run errands as an excuse to eat junk. I actually think to myself "well I have to go all the way into town and I can pick up some Taco Bell before I go shopping". As if Taco Bell is good, or good for you, or a reason to go to town. I am so tempted by crap food it sickens me. Yesterday - as I was heading into town to go to the emergency room (cat bit me, swollen infected finger, needed antibiotics) I stopped at the gas station to "get a snack for the boys" and grabbed discounted Valentine's Day candy - chocolate covered cookie dough bites. Pure sugar and fat with no redeeming qualities.

Food is not the answer. I need to find what is.

Some people just drive me crazy

I love message boards. I like being able to "talk" to people (especially since I don't really have any friends in my area) but sometimes I wish I could reach through the computer screen and smack some of these people! "Oh I just ordered _____ and can't wait to start it because I want to lose 90 POUNDS IN 4 MONTHS! Seriously people? Did you just realize that you were overweight? Just because the morbidly obese people on Biggest loser who workout 6 hours a day and live in a controlled environment can lose 90 pounds in 6 months or less does not mean it is a realistic goal for everyone. I am fat. I know I am fat. This is not news or a surprise for me, as I have been fat almost my whole life and I have been this fat at least since high school - some ups and downs, but always about 100lbs to lose for the last 19 years. I love Turbo Fire. I think it is the best program I have ever tried and I truly look forward to working out (most of the time, I am learning to love it) but I don't expect miracles. I expect that with dedication and hard work that I can lose the weight and add muscle and by my 35th birthday ( 20 months from now) I can be in the most fantastic shape I have ever been in. But that is a fat loss of an average of 5lbs a month, not 20 lbs a month. These are the people that blame the program or the diet and throw it all out when they haven't made the progress they want in a month or two. Eat clean, do cardio, strength train - this is the way to get the results you want.

And don't expect unrealistic miracles. It took you a long time to get to the weight you are, it is not all going to come off in a month or two.

My Secret Dream

So my secret fantasy goal for 2011 is to be in an infomercial. I want to be one of the Turbo Fire success stories. "Teacher and Mother of two, Becky lost almost 120 pounds using Turbo Fire!" I dream of this - literally. I need to start thinking about this when I am about to eat something that is full of chemicals and sugar and crap. I need to think about this when I am about to skip a workout because I am tired or lazy or just don't want to. I want to inspire people and be the reason that someone (like me) sees what I have accomplished and thinks, hey if she did that, I can do it too!

I am not a fan of reality TV but I have started watching a show on A&E called Heavy. Real people with real stories. At the end they aren't perfect but still working and moving forward (for the most part). These people, and the addictions they overcome inspire me. I want to inspire others in the same way.

Looking up

I got a new placement for student teaching and this school is everything I had hoped for. I already feel like I am part of the school family. I am hopeful that they will need a Special Ed teacher at the end of the year and that they hire me. Best of all, it is only 10 minutes from my house. I still have to drop the boys off at daycare before and it is 10 minutes in the opposite direction, but that is not enough to dim my enthusiasm for this school.

I did not do my workout last night. I kept telling myself I had time to do it later. I should have done it as soon as I got home from school - Jonas was napping, Jackson was napping, and Jacques` was curled up sick on the couch. I just kept putting it off, and when I was ready to start all of my sick boys got up and needed me. Its not a reason, just an excuse. I should of done it when I got home. Lesson learned.

Feeling lost

I missed 3 workouts last week, so I am redoing the last week. The reason I missed 3 is after a week of student teaching I was asked not to return. The whole story is long and I have a meeting with my college and hopefully they will let me get a new placement - otherwise I cannot graduate or get my certification. I do not know what went wrong so I am a little lost.

Embarrassing Details

I hate jumping jacks. Not the jumping, or at least not solely. Not because my feet hurt or because I get out of breath. I hate jumping jacks because of the way my fat flaps and flops and slaps against me. The "mommy" pooch I gained after the boys, the fat old lady arms... they all disgust me. I used to be able to tell myself that I might be overweight but I carried it well. I could look at my arms and think "at least I don't have fat lady arms" I can't say that any more. 

And as awful as that is to admit, as much as I hate I am doing something about it. Today I was able to zip and comfortably wear my favorite pair of brown pinstriped pants to work. Last week I couldn't even zip them. I worked out when I wanted to go to bed. I am going to bed on time after a post workout snack of Greek yogurt and blueberries. I am making progress and I will continue to make more. Soon I won't have a post with embarrassing details but one with details that will make everyone want to jump up and cheer. Soon I will wave good bye to my fat lady arms and pack up my mommy pooch. I am excitedly working towards that day.

Day 23 with a karmic booty kick!

So 2 days in a row I have been late to my student teaching job. The first 2 days of my student teaching. Why have I been late? Because I keep getting stuck in the snow in my driveway. Since my driveway is all dirt and gravel we generally don't shovel. My superb winter tires on my Ford Taurus can usually just power right through the snow - however with all the freeze and melt I keep spinning out on the ice/refreeze/runoff and slid into the dirt embankments.

This morning's adventures I feel was karmic payback for ignoring my alarm and sleeping an extra hour instead of getting in an extra workout this morning. I will not being doing that again! Instead of getting in extra cardio this morning I got to spend an hour shoveling the ice and hard packed snow out of my driveway with a garden shovel. In sneakers. And slacks. And a dress shirt. With the boys in the car. Okay actually I took the boys back inside and put on a movie for them as soon as I called AAA, but still. It was not fun and for the rest of the day my feet were cold, my booty was super sore, and my slacks were wet.

I wanted to talk myself out of my workout tonight, but as I was changing into workout gear after work I noticed that I could feel the muscles and bones in my back and hips much easier than before. My hips still have a few layers on fat on top of them, but the curve from my waist to my hips feels slimmer and smoother than it did just a few weeks ago.

I wanted to ignore my workout tonight, but then I thought of the people who have told me - through the blog, or email, or Facebook or in person - how proud they are, how I am motivating or inspiring them. I thought of how proud I am of myself. I did not want to disappoint us.

I wanted to sit on my couch and eat giant greasy dripping steak subs on a squishy soft white sub roll, but then I thought about how I am trying to get rid of my "white food" cravings and addictions (white rice, white flour, white sugar - even though I am Irish to the bone I have never been a fan of white potatoes :)) and bought high fiber whole wheat pita pockets and lean steak for a sandwich. I grilled the steak with baby spinach and a drizzle of soy sauce and added half a slice of cheese, and stuffed it into the pitas. I grabbed 3 wilted stalks of celery (I didn't want chips, but did want some crunch) and had a satisfying and filling dinner.

I vowed that no one will recognize me a year from now - I am starting not to recognize myself now. And I couldn't be happier with this new person.

Chinese buffet - ugh!

First day of student teaching and I got to go on a field trip. Unfortunately lunch was at a Chinese buffet and I ate way more than I should have. I have felt like crap since. I will improve it with dinner though - baked sweet potato, broccoli and lean grilled burger.

The Streak Continues

I am very good at rationalizing and talking myself out of workouts. I have reasons (re: excuses) that seem perfectly valid - it's late, I ran out of time, I need to go to bed, I am so tired, blah, blah BLAH! All of those excuses came to me tonight, and I pushed them away. I admit I did not do my scheduled workout (Fire 55 EZ) but I did do the HIIT 20 - without low impact modifications! I jumped, I squatted, I touched the floor. I will do Fire 55 EZ later this week (I am planning on Tuesday, the day I should have done HIIT 20) and add strength training to my workout tomorrow.

No one will recognize me - I will be fabulous!

No one will recognize me

I have been doing Turbo Fire without fail every day for the last 20 days. Sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night - doesn't matter, I get it done every day. I have also been listening to Chalene Johnson's motivation audio program that comes with the ChaLEAN Extreme program 2-3 times a day. And for the last 5 weeks I have been taking anti-depressants.

I have been scared to put that on my blog - to announce to the "world" (my fabulous followers and who ever else happens to stumble across my blog :)) that I was suffering from depression. There is such a stigma attached to it that I am scared that it would hurt my chances to get a job, or get insurance or any number of other things in the future. But the medication is helping me. I am enjoying my children and my husband more, I am looking forward to getting out of bed every day. I don't want to cry all the time, I don't want to spend all my time on the couch. I want to do things and be fit. If I had the coordination I would turn cartwheels every day. It is amazing to be free of the emotional weight that was holding me down for so long. I had been depressed for such a long time that I couldn't remember not feeling like I was constantly standing on the edge.

One of the wonderful things that my medication (Welbutrin, if anyone wants to know - I can't say enough good things about it) has helped me do is to have the motivation to work out again. And stick with it. And view it as a lifestyle change. Listening to Chalene's audio program has helped me mentally define my goals for 2011. Here they are:

1. Lose 118 lbs (112 now, down 6 pounds in the last 3 weeks)
2. Complete Turbo Fire, ChaLEAN Extreme and a Hybrid of the two
3. Graduate College
4. Get my teaching certification
5. Get a teaching job!

I vow that one year from now people will not recognize me. I will look like a completely different person. I will be the person that has been locked inside myself for so long. I am the fit, healthy person I have always wanted to be.

Inches away!

Day 19 of Turbo Fire and still loving it. Fire 45 EZ again tonight. Didn't get it done until almost 10, but I did get it done. :)

I took measurements again this week and I lost an inch from my chest, my waist, 1/2" from my hips, 1/4" from each arm, 1/2" from my neck, 1/2" from my thighs. All that in just 14 days. I feel good and sexy and strong and my biceps look better already. I am going to add 1-2 more days of strength training every week - I want to make sure I am getting 3 days of strength training a week so I am building muscle to torch all this fat. Going strong though.