Haters

So I got my first internet "hater" today...

Basically some random person on Instagram asked me "How can you be a coach when your (their misspelling, not mine) not in shape."

I could take this 2 ways. I could cry and hide and delete the comment and worry about how I can be a good or effective lifestyle coach with Beachbody extolling the virtues of health and nutrition and fitness when I am not in perfect shape myself (YET!)

OR

I could continue to inspire others on THEIR OWN journeys to health and fitness. The journey that begins with a small step that is often hard to take. The journey that started for me 4 years ago when I weighed over 300lbs. The journey that has helped me lose 70lbs in 4 years.

I began my Beachbody journey a LOOOONNNNNGGGG time ago (back when Power 90 was really the only thing out there). I started and stopped and started and stopped and started and stopped... you know the deal right? I lost a little, I lost a lot. I have plateaued for over a year. I gave up on myself and believed again. I gave up again. I believed again.

But throughout my journey - this one that I have been on for most of my life I have done at least one thing. I have been HONEST with my online community.

I am not perfect. I have 50lbs of fat to lose. I don't eat perfect every day. I don't always commit to my workouts. I give up and then start again. I do that a lot.

Since becoming a Beachbody Coach a little over a year ago, I never give up on myself for long. I never give up on my clients. I push and check in and motivate and encourage myself and others. I help. I listen. I offer tips and tricks and ideas and more importantly than anything else, I offer wisdom from someone who has BEEN THERE. Someone who is still on the journey. Someone who knows exactly how hard the struggle can be.

I am there for anyone who wants help with their struggle. Free. No charge - if you choose to take advantage of some awesome programs and supplements and nutrition, GREAT. If you want to pay it forward and help others by becoming a coach FANTASTIC. If all you want is someone to listen and maybe help motivate you out the door on a one mile walk - I will be there.

So thank you random internet hater. If you chose to spend the time to comment and try to tear me down, I must be doing something right.

Changes, still making changes

I started my Beachbody journey in December of 2009 (for the 3rd or 4th time) with Turbo Jam and Power 90 at 290+ pounds. I started, I stopped. I started, I stopped. I did this over and over again. I was fat fat fat. I had Postpartum Depression, I hated myself and my body. I couldn't stand to have my husband look at me, let alone touch me. I had serious gallbladder disease (and had to get it taken out in 2010). I did P90X in the summer of 2010 - 84 days of it. And I hated every minute. I was not losing weight. I was not losing inches. I was eating crap and fooling myself that it was okay. I would binge, I would eat in secret... I had problems. I did 1 week of Insanity, and "rested" for 4 or 5 months. I started Turbo Fire in January of 2011 and made it through a month before I started student teaching. Not that I did the program right. Hated long workouts, never made it past Fire30 and the HIITs. Made some changes, dropped some weight (not a lot. I hovered between 280 - 270, up and down, up and down...) I was in a car accident in June of 2011 and extremely lucky to walk away with a broken wrist and scrapes and bruises. The ambulance took me to the trauma center in the nearest big city because "no one will believe you walked away from that wreck alive".

The accident took a physical toll on me, and an emotional one on my marriage. I found running and inconsistently ran and did strength training at my college fitness center. Still ate crap, made some changes and hovered around 260-270. On Antidepressants, but still emotionally scarred. Running more consistently and in the winter of 2012 moved to a more whole foods based diet. Stayed in the 250s but far more flab than anything else.

Then something (inspiration, lightning bolt, cosmic head slap) hit me. I decided to become a beachbody coach. I restarted TurboFire (still not "really" following, but better) and I got Body Beast. Whoa. Serious changes ahead!

Since January of 2013 the weight on the scale has only gone down another 10lbs - but now I bounce around the low 240s, and the bouncing gets lower every week. The BIGGEST changes have come since June 2013 (around Summit). I am getting help with my emotional issues. I am changing more and more for the better every day!

Body Beast has contributed the most to my physical changes. Some measurements have not gone down much, but that is because my body composition is changing so much. Consistency is the key. When I truly committed to myself and my journey each small change added up. Again and again. Good choices led to more changes and better choices and more changes - a perpetual cycle. I am not done, but I am firmly on the path.

Since the beginning of my journey I have lost about 50lbs, completed a half marathon and learned to love and appreciate what my body can do for me when I take care of it. This isn't the end, but the beginning...

Failure

I am a failure. Ever have those days? When the negative thoughts in your head are so loud you can't concentrate on the fact that you are actually spectacular and awesome and feel like the biggest loser out there (please tell me it is not just me!).

My weight has stalled and stagnated again, and it is all my fault. Easter candy and jelly beans (man I love jelly beans) ripped into my mind and grabbed hold and I found myself buying and eating loads of candy. I did not run three days last week, or yesterday, or Monday... so my goal of 4 miles a day is falling flat. I am already not sure I will be able to get 4 miles in today. I have a speech presentation due tomorrow, a paper due tomorrow, an assignment that was due yesterday still to complete, plus classes the rest of the day today.

Plus, it is snowing, and with the cold my motivation is practically non existent. And I do not like my daycare anymore and do not want to take my boys down there. I have 2 hours until class and enough to do to fill 10 hours more. I just want to hide and avoid it all. I need the sun and the warm weather to come back. Maybe then I can find my happy thoughts again.

All I want for Christmas...

... is a treadmill. Seriously. Any treadmill companies out there that want to set me up with a treadmill to review and use for the next few months or the year or whatever, I will be grateful! I need a treadmill because I have not been able to get out for a decent run in about 2 weeks. seriously, my last good run was on the treadmills at school, and that was 2 weeks ago. The weather around here has not been awful, but it has been too cold/damp most of the time to take 2 squirmy boys that have been sick out in the jogging stroller for a decent run, and the hubby has been more less out of town for 2 weeks. The days he has been home, the schedule has not been conducive to getting out to run - but if I had had a treadmill those days, I could totally have gotten a super awesome run in anyway.

I of course have DVDs I can workout to at home, but the thought of using them has left me so depressed I cannot even put on my workout clothes. Getting back into strength training is also taking far more effort than I would like. It seems to me like everything is taking too much effort these days...

I am still working on the Paleo eating, and most days it is going pretty well. I am not stressing myself on trying to be perfect through the holiday season, but I am striving to do well every day indulge only in things I really love. No eating something junky just because it is there. And through some wonderful forums and websites and blogs devoted to the Paleo lifestyle, I am getting some fantastic ideas of things to eat, ways to cook them, and so on. So many great ideas that I think I will be able to shop very well for the coming month when I head to the store next week.

As the year comes to a close (and another "fat" birthday has passed) I am feeling a bit better than I have in a while. I am not where I want to be, but I finally feel like I am on the path to get there.

So 'Licious - Mamavation Monday

"So 'licious, so yummy" ~ the Moose "Mommy, my dinner is very alicious tonight" ~ the Monkey.

I had a tough week. Tuesday the boys starting throwing up while we were an hour from home grocery shopping. They continued all night Tuesday night. Wednesday the Moose was better, but the Monkey was so bad I got scared enough to take him to the emergency room. 7 hours (3 on an IV drip) later, he finally looked, talked, and felt like himself again. He still did not want to eat though, so on Thursday, when he told me he was hungry I was trying to shove whatever food I could into my little boy. 

I made him hot chocolate, macaroni and cheese, plied him with granola bars. No go. Grilled chicken, a big fat salad, and some Paleo style eggs worked. My carb-rific kids did some paleo eating of their own this weekend as I adjusted to eating differently. They drank all of my coconut milk (darn them!) They kept eating all my eggs, they gobbled the veggies out of my salad, and stole broccoli cooked in coconut oil off my plate. All the while they told me it was so alicious or so yummy.

My week overall was not good in terms of general stress level, workouts, or anything else. I got kicked out of one of my presentation groups at school (last minute, on Wednesday when I spent the day at the hospital) and told I would have to find something else to do for that grade. It's okay now, I got it taken care of, but it was one more stress that I did not need. I tried to get oil for my furnace, only to be told that HEAP benefits have been cut and it has not been opened yet this year. I am lucky to have an electric blanket and a space heater in the boys' room, because my house will be chilly this winter. I caught attitude from a grocery store cashier when I tried to get all natural peanut butter using WIC (my family is struggling hardcore while I am in school, so I use every available means to keep us afloat and look forward to June when I will have graduated, and pray to the gods that I have a job) when they tried to tell me I could only get the store brand - which isn't true, and I contested it. 

My head is all over the place, and I feel like I am falling behind in my life, trying to do everything I need to do. My mamavation Monday post today is late, rambling, doesn't make a whole lot of sense, so I appreciate the efforts of everyone who took the time to read it. Next week I will be more coherent, I promise.

Running Blog

I have noticed that more and more of my posts have become about running (or at least mention it) and I am okay with this. :) This is moving into being a running blog, and running makes me happy.

I think about running all day. It's first in my brain when I wake up, last thing I think about before I go to sleep, and I even have had dreams about it. It lifts my mood better than anything except the joy I get in my hubby and my kids.

So more posts will talk about my runs, the things I think about on my runs, the things that running makes me feel. And as of Saturday there will be race recaps too - my first race is Pumpkins in the Park and I cannot wait. I'm going to have a little pirate theme rockin' for the race. I'll be sure to get pics :)

I hope I don't lose readers (I value all of you so much) as I grow and figure out my place in the world of running blogs. I know there will be struggles along the way, and the advice and support I get from my tweeps and readers is really what keeps me going.

So come on in, take off your sneakers, grab a cup of coffee (the pot is always on) and tell me your story. We have so much to talk about.

1st #Mamavation Monday Post - I deserve better

I was listening to Talk of the Nation on NPR on my way home from school yesterday (I love NPR, makes me feel smart when I listen :)) and they were talking about the violence in Mexico. It struck me when one caller said "I feel bad for Mexico, they deserve better than that". The host said "as we all do".

As we all do. We all deserve better. Isn't that an amazing epiphany like thought? We all deserve better. Maybe I am the only one struck by the enormity of that simply comment. Maybe it just resonates with me as I begin to realize that I deserve better. My family deserves better. My town, my state, my country, my world deserves better. Better schools, better environment, better health, better jobs, better living conditions, better governments and politicians. We have good ones, but everything can be improved. We can always strive for better.

I can't fix better for everything or everyone. But I can start with me. I can start with my family. My family deserves better. They deserve a mom/wife that is happy and healthy and fun and active. They deserve a wife/mom who loves herself and loves them as much as they could possibly be loved. They deserve a mom/wife who loves them enough to take care of herself.

When I take care of my self, my family gets the better they deserve. When I go for my runs every day my family gets the healthy happy mom they deserve. When I feel good about my self my husband gets the loving, affectionate wife he deserves. By taking care of myself I can give my family what they deserve; I can give them "better".


This isn't the same (at least in my mind) as putting myself first. I can't do that. I have too many responsibilities to put myself first. My family always comes first. But if they always come first, then ensuring that I am fit and healthy and happy takes care of their needs.

So I am going to put my family first and take care of them, and me, so they get the best; so they get what they deserve. Because they deserve better... and so do you.

What about you? Do you put yourself first? Do you consider taking care of your family and taking care of your needs the same?

No one will recognize me

I have been doing Turbo Fire without fail every day for the last 20 days. Sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night - doesn't matter, I get it done every day. I have also been listening to Chalene Johnson's motivation audio program that comes with the ChaLEAN Extreme program 2-3 times a day. And for the last 5 weeks I have been taking anti-depressants.

I have been scared to put that on my blog - to announce to the "world" (my fabulous followers and who ever else happens to stumble across my blog :)) that I was suffering from depression. There is such a stigma attached to it that I am scared that it would hurt my chances to get a job, or get insurance or any number of other things in the future. But the medication is helping me. I am enjoying my children and my husband more, I am looking forward to getting out of bed every day. I don't want to cry all the time, I don't want to spend all my time on the couch. I want to do things and be fit. If I had the coordination I would turn cartwheels every day. It is amazing to be free of the emotional weight that was holding me down for so long. I had been depressed for such a long time that I couldn't remember not feeling like I was constantly standing on the edge.

One of the wonderful things that my medication (Welbutrin, if anyone wants to know - I can't say enough good things about it) has helped me do is to have the motivation to work out again. And stick with it. And view it as a lifestyle change. Listening to Chalene's audio program has helped me mentally define my goals for 2011. Here they are:

1. Lose 118 lbs (112 now, down 6 pounds in the last 3 weeks)
2. Complete Turbo Fire, ChaLEAN Extreme and a Hybrid of the two
3. Graduate College
4. Get my teaching certification
5. Get a teaching job!

I vow that one year from now people will not recognize me. I will look like a completely different person. I will be the person that has been locked inside myself for so long. I am the fit, healthy person I have always wanted to be.

Off the wagon

I fell hard off the wagon in December and the beginning of the year. I am back now and planning on completing TurboFire (just started) and going back to eating clean. It certainly helps that I talked to my doctor and got the meds I needed... I feel happy and positive and ready to go. I am excited and full of energy and actual look forward to life and work and everything ;) and it has been a LONG time since I felt that way. It's not until you can get out of a depressive cycle that you realize exactly how depressed and unhappy you have been and for how long.