Changes, still making changes

I started my Beachbody journey in December of 2009 (for the 3rd or 4th time) with Turbo Jam and Power 90 at 290+ pounds. I started, I stopped. I started, I stopped. I did this over and over again. I was fat fat fat. I had Postpartum Depression, I hated myself and my body. I couldn't stand to have my husband look at me, let alone touch me. I had serious gallbladder disease (and had to get it taken out in 2010). I did P90X in the summer of 2010 - 84 days of it. And I hated every minute. I was not losing weight. I was not losing inches. I was eating crap and fooling myself that it was okay. I would binge, I would eat in secret... I had problems. I did 1 week of Insanity, and "rested" for 4 or 5 months. I started Turbo Fire in January of 2011 and made it through a month before I started student teaching. Not that I did the program right. Hated long workouts, never made it past Fire30 and the HIITs. Made some changes, dropped some weight (not a lot. I hovered between 280 - 270, up and down, up and down...) I was in a car accident in June of 2011 and extremely lucky to walk away with a broken wrist and scrapes and bruises. The ambulance took me to the trauma center in the nearest big city because "no one will believe you walked away from that wreck alive".

The accident took a physical toll on me, and an emotional one on my marriage. I found running and inconsistently ran and did strength training at my college fitness center. Still ate crap, made some changes and hovered around 260-270. On Antidepressants, but still emotionally scarred. Running more consistently and in the winter of 2012 moved to a more whole foods based diet. Stayed in the 250s but far more flab than anything else.

Then something (inspiration, lightning bolt, cosmic head slap) hit me. I decided to become a beachbody coach. I restarted TurboFire (still not "really" following, but better) and I got Body Beast. Whoa. Serious changes ahead!

Since January of 2013 the weight on the scale has only gone down another 10lbs - but now I bounce around the low 240s, and the bouncing gets lower every week. The BIGGEST changes have come since June 2013 (around Summit). I am getting help with my emotional issues. I am changing more and more for the better every day!

Body Beast has contributed the most to my physical changes. Some measurements have not gone down much, but that is because my body composition is changing so much. Consistency is the key. When I truly committed to myself and my journey each small change added up. Again and again. Good choices led to more changes and better choices and more changes - a perpetual cycle. I am not done, but I am firmly on the path.

Since the beginning of my journey I have lost about 50lbs, completed a half marathon and learned to love and appreciate what my body can do for me when I take care of it. This isn't the end, but the beginning...

11 Days until I turn 35

On November 17th I will celebrate my 35th birthday and 6th wedding anniversary (yes I got married on my birthday, mainly so I could remember the day. Plus I love November). Every year since puberty (the last 20 at least) I have vowed to lose weight and be fit before my next birthday rolls around. Some hit and miss success, but never lasting weight loss. I do not want to make the same vow this year. I want a more tangible, measurable goal. One that will push me, test my limits and resolve, and help me be a better person in the long run (pun intended).

I would love to lose weight, and be fitter than I was on my last birthday, be more in shape than I was at my first anniversary (granted I was 9 months pregnant with the monkey that year). I would like to weigh less than  I did when I got married, or less than I did when I met my husband.

More than those things though, I want to be strong. I want to set a hard high goal and reach it. A big goal. One that seems almost impossible. I want to achieve the impossible.

Goals for my 35th year

1. Walk or run every day - at least one mile. I want to have a streak so that by this time next year, my mileage is over triple digits. 
2. Super big goal - run/walk 3500 miles my 35th year. I know it is almost 10 miles a day. I will actually have to work up to that amount. But I am going to do it. I am making a vow, a resolution, a super goal to run/walk at least 1750 miles this coming year with a super duper goal of reaching 3500. 
3. Eat to fuel my goal. I will not follow a diet or a plan. I will be reasonable in my eating, and work to ensure that what I eat fuels my goals and my life. 

There is no doubt that this will not be easy. But "If you shoot for the moon and miss you still wind up among the stars".

These are my stars for the next year. I'm going for it.

Failure

I am a failure. Ever have those days? When the negative thoughts in your head are so loud you can't concentrate on the fact that you are actually spectacular and awesome and feel like the biggest loser out there (please tell me it is not just me!).

My weight has stalled and stagnated again, and it is all my fault. Easter candy and jelly beans (man I love jelly beans) ripped into my mind and grabbed hold and I found myself buying and eating loads of candy. I did not run three days last week, or yesterday, or Monday... so my goal of 4 miles a day is falling flat. I am already not sure I will be able to get 4 miles in today. I have a speech presentation due tomorrow, a paper due tomorrow, an assignment that was due yesterday still to complete, plus classes the rest of the day today.

Plus, it is snowing, and with the cold my motivation is practically non existent. And I do not like my daycare anymore and do not want to take my boys down there. I have 2 hours until class and enough to do to fill 10 hours more. I just want to hide and avoid it all. I need the sun and the warm weather to come back. Maybe then I can find my happy thoughts again.

Crazy

Am I crazy?  I feel crazy - well a little crazy. Warm spring weather brought back my desire to get outside and run. Of course when I saying "run" I don't even really mean run. I mean, not in the sense of being able to go fast or keep a pace or do tempos runs or speed work or anything. I mean, push the boys (each kid 35+lbs, stroller at least 30lbs...) up and down hills (all I got around here) for as long as I can without them trying to make me crazy (er).

I am going to run the Goofy challenge at Disney World next January. A half marathon on Saturday, and the full marathon on Sunday. It sounds nuts, running 39.3 over 2 days, but I feel like I can do it. So I am going to train with that in mind. My goal for running will be a medium long run on Saturday with a Long long run on Sunday.

I have crazier dreams too, but I am not ready to lay them out just yet.

Goals not met so far...

Okay, I have been having serious trouble meeting my goals for January - as evidenced by the fact that I have not been posting everyday as was my initial intention. I have not been working out very much either.

On the plus side, I have been following my primal WOE (way of eating - I like this so much better than "diet") with a good 80/20 success rate. I know I eat more dairy and nuts than recommended (I have been keeping it full fat and organic as much as possible) and I have nibble on hot dogs (not recommended) and ranch dressing (has "modified food starch - a clever way to say "wheat") which I suspect has stalled my progress somewhat. I gained 5lbs the first week on PB (Primal Blueprint) putting me at 259, but that has come back down to 253.4 - and I suspect another pound or two has come off since I weighed myself last week, but as I have no heat right now (ran out of oil for the furnace, can't get a delivery until Monday, been 35-45 in my house for 4 days!), I am not getting undressed to weigh myself any time soon!

When I have low carbed and tried Paleo or clean eating in the past I have never let go of my splenda, or "Atkins approved" treats... so I had never had the taste bud shift. This time (while I still use Stevia in my coffee) I have avoided treats in general this month. So the other day when I made a steak for dinner and dipped a bite in steak sauce, my first reaction was "OMG how much sugar is in this stuff!" - apparently 2g per serving, and a serving ain't all that big! My new preferred steak sauce is a dash of sea salt and a pat of organic butter, so good - I could eat my weight in steak when it is prepared right! :)

So, I will eventually LHT (Lift Heavy Things) most likely using ChaLEAN Extreme, I will sprint using Turbo Fire, and I will get in lots of movement running or using my NordicTrack Ski machine. I know if I follow these PB "laws" I will see the success I want!

If I Had a Million Dollars

Have you ever had the "if I won the lottery" day dream?

No? Just me? Hmm, maybe it's because I am always broke...

Anyway, there have been commercials on TV for the latest Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes. I am not planning on entering, but the giveaway/prize is $1million dollars and $5000 a week for life. That is the part that always interests me. You could blow through $1 million pretty quick and be in a worse situation than you were before, but with money coming in every week, if you were the least bit responsible, you would really be set for life. Not an extravagant life, but a nice comfortable middle class one (that is really what I aspire to).

And I think to myself, I I won $5000 a week for life and didn't have to work, what would I do? Would I still want to be a teacher? Maybe, I really do love being in a classroom, and if I was not dependent on the salary, I think I would teach at least part time, and probably in an economically disadvantaged school.

But I don't think teaching would be my primary passion. I think I would want to devote my life and my work to getting healthy and fit, to getting my family and loved ones healthy and fit and to teaching/helping other people be healthy and fit.

And when I think of that, I think of the scene in the movie Office Space where the main character asks another "What would you do if you had a million dollars" (I would link to it, but the language is a little PG13) and he goes on to say (basically) your answer to what you would do if you didn't need money is what you should be doing with your life, because that is what would make you happy.

So I am left thinking, if I would devote my life to getting healthy and getting other people to be healthy and fit - what should I be doing now instead of trying to be a teacher? Am I on the wrong path? And if I am on the wrong path, what should I do so that I can merge my current path with one that will allow me to bring health and fitness to myself and others?


What would you do if you didn't have to worry about money?


If you were going to devote your life to health and fitness, what would that path look like to you?

You Are Here...

But is Here where you want to be?

I am here and here is 256.4lbs. Here is not where I want to be. Here is not the top of my mountain. Here is where my journey has to begin for real.

And I have no excuses. I am the reason I am Here. I am the reason I gained 4lbs this week. I did not work out for 3 days. I ate too much every day. Not always bad, not always a lot, but too much. I did not follow my plan or do what I know I needed to do. And it is my fault. No one forced me to sit on my butt, no one stuffed my emotions down with food but me.

I am Here and I am the reason for it.

I am Here and I need a plan. I am Here and a I need accountability. I will keep my self accountable this week by posting meals and workouts on Twitter (please follow me if you don't already - I can use help staying accountable).

I will keep myself accountable by weighing in on Wednesday and on Sunday and posting it online. On Flab to Fab, on Facebook and on Twitter.

Workout Plan
Half Marathon Training Schedule (Cardio) Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday
Long Walks (Cardio) Wednesday, Friday (much slower than training pace)
Strength, body weight or machine training/lifting Monday, Wednesday, Friday

I know there are no rest days in this list, but when I take one rest day I take 3. Not every day will be hardcore, some will be "active rest" but I will move every day this week.

Meal Plan
Keep it at 1800 calories every day
Emphasis on Fruits and Vegetables - at least 8 servings a day
Good fats
good/lean protein
fewer grains (no more than 2 servings a day)

If you want to help keep me accountable you can follow me on Twitter or friend me on Lose It

I am Here, and I can go a little longer.



This week's Mamavation Sistahood Question, brought to you by Grunt Style - a fashion site by Veterans that helps to support those who serve and their families.


What body part are you proud of right now and why?

• I am extremely proud of my calves. They are rock solid muscle from all the hill running I have done this summer. I can't wait until more parts of my body have the same definition and strength that my calves do.

Why Can't You?

I can't. I don't want to. I don't have time. It's too hard. There are so many things we don't do because we have convinced ourselves we can't, that it is an impossible feat. Some things are impossible, others are improbable, but most things that we consider impossible are just difficult. They are out of the realm of our experience.

When I was in second grade, I assumed everyone had 3 sets of grandparents because I had 3 sets of grandparents. In 4th grade I thought everyone was Catholic, because I was Catholic. Until we are confronted with something completely outside of our experience and thought process, we have no reason to consider persepectives outside of our personal world.

I have never run a race. Not a 10K or a 5K or a half marathon, but I think that I can. I have no reason to believe I can other than my own thought that it is possible. Not only do I think it is possible, I think that I will enjoy it. I think I will enjoy it so much that I am adding to my "fitness bucket list" a new goal.

I will run 50 races in 50 states before my 45th birthday.

I know it won't be easy. I will have to train long and hard for them, and save up money to be able to travel around the country running races. That is why I am giving myself 11 years to do it. I figure that will average out to about 5 races a year - plus at least one Disney race a year. :) 'Cuz, come on, who doesn't want to run around Disney World and Disneyland. Not everyone? Seriously? Hmm, okay.

I will have to make significant changes to my life to do accomplish this goal. My eating will have to improve. My health will have to improve. My training will have to be consistent. I will probably lose weight, but if I don't change other things it is not garaunteed.

But I will do this. Starting with a 5K before Halloween and hopefully a 4.4 mile race on Thanksgiving. These races will be close to home, so New York state will be the first one checked off my list. Other states in the Northeast will be next. Possible NV if my mom stays out west. Florida and California will come early (those Disney races you know - and I want to do all of them including the Goofy Race and a Half challenge). But then I will need recommendations of what to try next.

So what are the best marathons/half marathons/10Ks/20Ks/50Ks/Mudders near you?
What races would you run?

What is on your bucket list - fitness or otherwise?

And, my Canadian readers, I am only a couple of hours from Ontario - any good races up north I should hit?

1st #Mamavation Monday Post - I deserve better

I was listening to Talk of the Nation on NPR on my way home from school yesterday (I love NPR, makes me feel smart when I listen :)) and they were talking about the violence in Mexico. It struck me when one caller said "I feel bad for Mexico, they deserve better than that". The host said "as we all do".

As we all do. We all deserve better. Isn't that an amazing epiphany like thought? We all deserve better. Maybe I am the only one struck by the enormity of that simply comment. Maybe it just resonates with me as I begin to realize that I deserve better. My family deserves better. My town, my state, my country, my world deserves better. Better schools, better environment, better health, better jobs, better living conditions, better governments and politicians. We have good ones, but everything can be improved. We can always strive for better.

I can't fix better for everything or everyone. But I can start with me. I can start with my family. My family deserves better. They deserve a mom/wife that is happy and healthy and fun and active. They deserve a wife/mom who loves herself and loves them as much as they could possibly be loved. They deserve a mom/wife who loves them enough to take care of herself.

When I take care of my self, my family gets the better they deserve. When I go for my runs every day my family gets the healthy happy mom they deserve. When I feel good about my self my husband gets the loving, affectionate wife he deserves. By taking care of myself I can give my family what they deserve; I can give them "better".


This isn't the same (at least in my mind) as putting myself first. I can't do that. I have too many responsibilities to put myself first. My family always comes first. But if they always come first, then ensuring that I am fit and healthy and happy takes care of their needs.

So I am going to put my family first and take care of them, and me, so they get the best; so they get what they deserve. Because they deserve better... and so do you.

What about you? Do you put yourself first? Do you consider taking care of your family and taking care of your needs the same?

I am not the best

It never really occurred to me before, but I am extremely competitive. I want to be the best - at everything. And if I can't be the best, I don't want to do it. I want to be the best mom, the best students, the best teacher, the best wife, the best friend, I want to be A#1 perfect.

And I am not. I am not perfect - far from it my family will be happy to tell you. And recently the monkey has decided I am not the best mommy, but I think that is just to mess with me :) 4yr olds, go figure.

I am good - in some cases very good. But I am not the best. And I need to let go of the mentality that I need to be the best. Have a good day running is better than not running - and sometimes better than be the perfect best runner. Have a good day eating is better than bingeing on cookies all day long. Getting a 97% on my test is better than the rest of the class did, and should be good enough for me (it's totally not though!)

Image from Pintrest

Getting out on the road or in the gym and doing my workout is good. Cooking and eating health foods with my family is good. Studying and doing all my homework is good. Taking the time to appreciate my life, my family, my friends, and the good fortune I do have is good. 

I don't need to be perfect. I just need to be. 

429 days

It is 429 days until I turn 35 (and 63 days until 34, for those of you who are counting :)). I am sitting here, thinking about that and trying to plot out what I want to achieve for myself before I hit that birthday. I want to have goals, to have a list I can cross off to see the things I have accomplished before I hit 35. So what do I want

1. I want to lose 100lbs
2. I want to run the Disney Princess 1/2 Marathon or the Tinkerbell 1/2 Marathon (preferably both)
3. I want to graduate college
4. I want to get a job teaching
5. I want  to get better at housekeeping

What do I need to do to accomplish these goals?
1. I want to lose 100lbs

• I need to eat clean
• I need to watch my portion sizes
• I need to eat when I am hungry, not just by the clock
• I need to get out and move everyday
• I need to plan my meals, and not just eat whatever because I am tired and bored

2. I want to run the Disney Princess 1/2 Marathon or the Tinkerbell 1/2 Marathon (preferably both)

• I need to train seriously for a race of this distance
• I need to come up with the money for the registration fee, transportation, lodging, and park passes for Jacques, the boys, and me
• I need a job that I can work around school, pay my bills AND save money for this (or friends and family that want to help me by all going in together giving me the trip for my birthday and Christmas hint hint!)

3. I want to graduate college

• study, study, study
• check with the registrar to make sure there are no other classes I need besides the ones I am planning for next semester

4. I want to get a job teaching

• I need to graduate college
• take my last 2 certification exams and the Praxis so I can teach out of state if necessary
• get my name and face out to area school districts by applying to substitute teach

5. I want to get better at housekeeping

• stop procrastinating
• devote an hour every day to keeping things picked up and organized
• get up early on Saturdays to power clean 1 room of the house before everyone else is out of bed

Sorry for the wordy post, but I needed to get my wants/needs/goals down in black and white so I could plan them out and really take a look at what I need to do to have the life I want.

Focusing on perfection

I said earlier I read a lot of fitness and healthy living blogs. They help to keep me motivated and ready to go. I am also a member of quite a few different healthy living/eating message boards. I have noticed a running theme lately with posts from my online friends. So many people are focused on the number on the scale, and on eating perfectly. Eating to plan, staying in their calorie range, making sure they have the right calorie deficit... It makes me sad. It actually hurts my heart when I read about how they feel like failures because they work so hard and the weight isn't coming off. They have been perfect with eating and workouts and nothing is moving. I feel for them.

I can empathize, I have been stuck in the same 5lb range on the scale for a few months. I know I have not been perfect, have not done many of the things I should have to move out of that range. I have not lost the 100lbs I have dreamed of losing this year - and I certainly won't lose it in the next few months. I would be extremely happy to end the year 20lbs lighter, I would be happy to be 10lbs lighter, and I would even be okay with not being any lighter, but having increased my fitness, and my ability to run for a longer distance. I would be happy to find a lifestyle way of eating that works for me, that keeps me happy and satisfied and not running for the candy store or chips every time I get a craving. I would be happy just to have enough money to sign up for and run my half marathon in October - and to actually run more than just a few feet of it!

To my friends (and readers - though I consider you all friends too) that are striving for perfection, please give yourselves a break! I love you, and I want you to love you in the same way. I want you to be happy, I want you to realize that all the work, the consistency, the effort you have put in on your health and fitness will pay off, has paid off, is paying off. And some of you, I want you eat more. Trust me, eat a little bit more and I would bet money you see some results - you know who you are :)

Do you strive to be perfect? Is your quest for perfection actually hurting your goals? What do you think?

Chalene Johnson will help me change my life

So I signed up for Chalene Johnson's life coaching 30 day push series. I love Chalene and find her incredibly motivating overall. I am hopeful that the program will help me accomplish my goals - and even define what my goals actually are so I can set up a map/system/plan to figure out what I want out of life and how to achieve it. The program started today. My first assignment is to think about my goals. How do I want people to remember me, to think about me. What do I want to be, what is most important to me? I want to be a great teacher. I want to be an inspiration for health for others. I want to make my husband and children proud.

I need to prioritize what needs to be done and make a schedule and stick to it. If I can get a schedule working I know I can accomplish my goals.

No one will recognize me

I have been doing Turbo Fire without fail every day for the last 20 days. Sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night - doesn't matter, I get it done every day. I have also been listening to Chalene Johnson's motivation audio program that comes with the ChaLEAN Extreme program 2-3 times a day. And for the last 5 weeks I have been taking anti-depressants.

I have been scared to put that on my blog - to announce to the "world" (my fabulous followers and who ever else happens to stumble across my blog :)) that I was suffering from depression. There is such a stigma attached to it that I am scared that it would hurt my chances to get a job, or get insurance or any number of other things in the future. But the medication is helping me. I am enjoying my children and my husband more, I am looking forward to getting out of bed every day. I don't want to cry all the time, I don't want to spend all my time on the couch. I want to do things and be fit. If I had the coordination I would turn cartwheels every day. It is amazing to be free of the emotional weight that was holding me down for so long. I had been depressed for such a long time that I couldn't remember not feeling like I was constantly standing on the edge.

One of the wonderful things that my medication (Welbutrin, if anyone wants to know - I can't say enough good things about it) has helped me do is to have the motivation to work out again. And stick with it. And view it as a lifestyle change. Listening to Chalene's audio program has helped me mentally define my goals for 2011. Here they are:

1. Lose 118 lbs (112 now, down 6 pounds in the last 3 weeks)
2. Complete Turbo Fire, ChaLEAN Extreme and a Hybrid of the two
3. Graduate College
4. Get my teaching certification
5. Get a teaching job!

I vow that one year from now people will not recognize me. I will look like a completely different person. I will be the person that has been locked inside myself for so long. I am the fit, healthy person I have always wanted to be.

Turbo Fire Day 8

Turbo Fire kicked my butt this morning. I could only make it through 20 minutes of Fire 45 and I am still sweating and exhausted. I really need to start getting to bed earlier and not hitting snooze when I my alarm goes off. I need at least 6.5-7 hours of sleep to feel human when I get up and I did not get it last night, I barely got 6. I should be able to go to bed by 8:30 tonight.

So my goals for today:

1. Eat clean
2. eat breakfast
3. make soup
4. make it to my doctor's appointment on time
5. get to bed by 8:30

New Challenge - Goals

With a little over a week until my birthday I am deep in thought of how to make 2011 (and my 33rd year) my best one ever. I have been loving my walk/runs C25K training, but it is super hard to get out with the boys until I get my jogging stroller... (I am pretty sure Dad will be getting it for me for my birthday) - BUT in order to really deserve such a wonderful (and way too expensive present) I have to really do my running/training. So I am going to "announce" my goals for the next year

1. Complete (and eventually run) a 5K every month that I can find one I can afford to enter - I am hoping to do one on Thanksgiving and one in Seneca Falls in December so far.

2. Run/Jog/Walk 1,111.11 miles by 11/11/11. I didn't think I could do over hundred thousand miles in a year... That means I need to do a little more than 3.044 miles a day - every day, no exceptions between 11/11/10 and 11/11/11. This should be fun!